Putin’s fate? Rumors abound. CIA, NSC and State refuse to comment. All of Washington is trying to keep a lid on it. Despite denials all around, it seems that a resolution is at hand.
The terms and conditions under which Putin will agree to step down are complicated, but it is clear that no deal would have been possible without the mercurial efforts of Dennis Rodman.
It all started just before the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Rodman had been exploring the possibility of securing a reliable source of grain for his soon to be launched breakfast cereal, “Champ’s Morning Chomp.” As Russian troops poured across the border, Rodman sulked; but his attorney, Larry Kudlow, recognized a broader opportunity and pounced.
Putin’s gamble clearly had turned sour. Expecting a weak and ineffectual response from President Biden and anticipating that energy dependent Europe would look the other way, Russian military planners were simply not prepared to manage a protracted conflict.
The resulting stalemate sparked domestic unrest across Russia. Despite widespread repression and arrests by Russian authorities, the protests seemed to be gaining traction.
To capitalize on the deteriorating situation, Kudlow dispatched Rodman on a whirlwind series of meetings in Moscow, Washington, and New York.
The resulting agreement, to be announced tomorrow, is complicated. The United Nations, Putin’s inner circle, President Biden, Ron DeSantis, and Donald Trump all had to sign off on the final agreement. The key components of the deal are as follows:
- Using the 1929 Lateran Treaty which established the Vatican as a sovereign and independent state, the United Nation agrees to grant the same status to Mar-a-Largo. This new entity will be known as “La La Land.”
- Florida’s Governor, Ron DeSantis, agrees to immediately allow Mar-a-Largo, and the surrounding 100 acres, to be carved out from Palm Beach County.
- Vladimir Putin agrees to step down as President of Russia and to take up residence in La La Land.
- Russia’s successor government agrees to immediately end all military operations in Ukraine and to withdraw all troops from Ukrainian territory.
- Donald Trump agrees to cede Mar-a-Lago to the newly formed state for the price of $1.00. In addition, he is to be installed as Supreme Leader of La La Land. (Note: Trump had initially been offered the title of “President,” but he deemed that to be inadequate and not worth his time.)
Architect of the deal, Larry Kudlow, and his shuttle diplomat, Dennis Rodman were well compensated and applauded for their efforts to bring peace to Ukraine.
Kudlow will benefit in other ways as well. La La Land has no extradition treaty with the United States or any other country. Supreme Leader Trump has confirmed that Larry will be granted immediate asylum, in the event that the January 6th Hearings lead to a DOJ indictment.
Knowing that similar offerings await other insurrection co-conspirators has not pleased Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Liz Cheney, and other Never Trumpers. Such is life. Another cruel twist in American politics.